timing

Sometimes I think about how cool it's been to get to know the girls at my house. The difference between terms is interesting, but the change of the girls I know well has not changed much, although how close I am to them has.

They say that your friends and the people you hang out with are a reflection of yourself or who you want to be, or what you see in the world, or how you want to be. Same with the person you marry - a reflection of yourself (so if you want to marry the right person, then you should BE the right person to marry).

I can definitely look back at myself and see this for sure. Especially with my downfalls, failings, and other extreme sorts of lifestyles I have led in the last few years.

It's been awesome to get close to several girls in the house over the last term and over the last few weeks. I'm super excited to room with some of them this summer.

But when it comes down to it, I can't lie. I have to say it because it's straight there and on my mind more than often.

They all have boyfriends (or serious male interests which are unofficial bfs - get it right people! commit already!).

Not that I'm complaining - I'm not. But I think more than anything it makes me sad. What in the world have I been doing wrong with my life, and who are the kind of people I have been hanging out with and making friends with and going out with that I don't have one myself, or haven't had a real, solid, good or even the right one yet. I really don't understand. Somehow it just doesn't match up. I've failed myself. And it shows. Here I sit in the beau parlor of Azalea house. Boyfriendless. Male-interest-less. Right now, there's just no potential or possibility there. Yeah, there are a lot of girls in the house without boyfriends, but there are more with than without anymore - especially recently. I just hate myself for it all.

All my guy friends are either younger than me, or I've had awkward conversations about boyfriends or how we can only be friends with them. I hate the idea that I'd be leading them on - someone once told me that rumor spread through the house that that's what I did: lead guys on. And I hate it. I hate the thought of it. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for even thinking that its true. I hate myself if it is true. That is the VERY last thing that I want to do with the relationships and friendships that I hold so dear with my guy friends. And I think about it every single time I'm around any of my guy friends. And it haunts me - "am i leading them on? do they like me? do i need to distance myself? how much is too much? when do I let them be my friend again? Did I go too far with the distancing part? Oh crap, they got a gf in the time that I was worried about leading them on and distancing myself and now I can't even be a friend like I used to" ... how. I. hate. myself. for. this.

What's wrong with you guys that you think I'm into you when I just love hanging out with you and laughing with you and LIVING with and around you?

I didn't have any brothers. My dad was there, but always distant - I couldn't wrestle or do active sports with him. I was homeschooled and sheltered from guys at every turn growing up. I've never been around you. I don't know how to be around you, but the more I've gotten to know guys the more I love it and the more I understand what they mean by "marrying your best friend" I seriously thought they just said that to be politically correct, but in reality the guy was just a figure in the woman's life who provides money and a house for her to raise her children in, enforce rules, and fix everything in and surrounding the house. But no!!! Guys are fun! They're funny. They're entertaining. They're active. They have interests, aspirations, and dreams just like I do. But just like girls, they can also be emotional -- but that's not a bad thing. I guess I've always thought of guys as flat, distant, and something I would never ever be close to but could admire from a distance (a far distance as per homeschooling and Belhaven).

But why me? Why now? I don't understand. I know that I'm waiting on God's timing, and that's the ultimate best thing I can do. Whatever happens, I know that I must put God first and seek Him and give my thoughts, prayers, and desires to Him because He knows best.

It just depresses me so much when I want a close friend to just talk to and just be there all the time, and I try to find that in a girlfriend, but they've all gone off and gotten boyfriends on me, or already had them when we met.

Again, not complaining. I (with some, not all, mind) love seeing my friends be happy with their boyfriends. It makes my day to see how awesome these guys are to my friends. (and believe me, if they weren't I'm in the habit of standing up for my friends more than I should, and should anything negative happen to my friends, the one who caused it WILL. GO. DOWN.)

But it's really, really, really, really hard. It's hard to just stand there and watch it all happen and pass you by. Especially when you put in the time and the effort and the RISK to set up your friends, only to see it work more than perfectly, but with no real commitment or realization that it's more than just something that can be blown off - because it's a precious and beautiful and RARE thing to be in a good and awesome relationship with a good and awesome guy. But it's also hard when you see girls you know get married left and right. Guys who flirted with you when you didn't know how to react to them get engaged and then married to these other girls you know - and it makes you think: What's wrong with me?!?!!

Yes, it's not God's timing, and it's not His will.

But still.

Could it have been? I can't keep myself from thinking...

I told my sister the other day how I wish I had a boyfriend just so that I wouldn't procrastinate my homework so much. So that I would do it because I knew we were going to hang out that night. Because I didn't want to have to do it when we had plans. Or that he would buy me roses - I swear when that happens, I'm probably going to cry because it's never happened and I've never really imagined that it would or that I would be worthy of any. Or text me in class and know my class schedule. Someone to skype or facebook chat with. Someone to go on coffee dates with - which never even happens now (not that I have money... thanks to my buying popcorn tonight at Fred's, I have somewhere around $30 unless I break into my other account which is at it's lowest without charging me a monthly fee... which I'll have to deal with anyway in order to drive home for spring break. I don't even know if I want to afford the expense of driving up to Salem this weekend to watch LotR with people... doesn't help that the concerning parties are being ultimately vague and unhelpful about the whole thing -- don't think of this as me complaining!!! I'm not complaining!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just stating facts - and don't feel like you have to give me money just because you are reading this. you dont. and I wouldn't accept it anyway. I do have money. I'm not completely without funds)...anyway, someone to go on bike rides, random-late-night-food-adventures with, beach trips, take me out with his friends, watch movies together, meet up with for a few minutes between classes, look forward to seeing, dressing up for, keeping my room clean (or at least somewhat organized) for, listening to music with, watching tv shows online for hours, going on late-night walks with, inviting over for meals or getting invited over for meals, texting during house meetings - i don't have anyone to text, but there you are, texting your bfs. It makes me happy for you, but really depressed and frustrated and confused...and just generally down about myself.

I'm tired of always being the 3rd or 5th wheel. It's frustrating. I say I don't mind, and I really don't. I love being around you guys, whether you've just met, or you've been together for months or years. But it hurts deeply on the inside that I'm alone. And I'm not saying that I'll stop. I'll still do it because I love you so much, hold you more than close to my heart, and really want you to be happy, even when it means I won't be as happy because you'll be spending all your time talking to, emailing, facebooking, texting, and calling, and thinking about him instead of me. It's ok. Don't worry about it. I'm aware. It comes with the territory. I know it well. I kinda know both sides of it. I don't know the one side so much in that I've never been with an awesome, Christian guy that I'm not afraid to be around or hang out with him and my other friends and wonder if he'd want to come all the way out to my parents house to meet them or hang out with my sister - whom I am more than blessed to be so ridiculously close to (and am beyond sad that there were so many times when I distanced myself from her because I didn't see what I'd lose, and now I'm afraid of ever losing her - I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'd seriously lose most if not all of myself).

I mean, ok, I know I'm not *alone* alone. I have Jesus. Not everyone has that. It counts for more than something. But God also created us to want to be with another human being here on earth. And that part of me is lacking and sad and frustrated and very, very lonely. And that part of me is getting worn out by the years going by the continual heartache of disappointed hopes and watching friend after friend after friend become happy while I sacrifice myself in our friendship when nothing is given in return when these dashing and fantabulous young men come your way.

Sometimes I just wish that the whole thing would swing my way and that I'd get the awesome boyfriend and all the benefits related (yes, i know relationships are hard and complicated and frustrating and time consuming, but look at the benefits! those are things that us single ladies can't have).

But until then: It's God's timing and my time spent in prayer getting to know Him and growing in that relationship.

*sigh*