can't without You

God. Help. Me.

I have being doing so well. Moving on with my life. Dealing with how MUCH OF A JERK ADAM WAS TO ME.

*sigh*

why I am up so late, I have no idea.

but I'm not crying.

I was looking through pictures of myself on facebook. Don't ask me why, I don't really know why I do that sometimes. Maybe to see where I've been and how far I've come since then <-- very likely reason because it's a common thought.

Then the pictures from last spring came up. There was that picture of me, Destin and Adam at the beach. Adam was no longer tagged.

What gave me the idea, i have NO idea, but on a picture a few pans to the right was a comment by adam. I saw his profile picture. I clicked his picture. It's of him and another girl

I'm not mad. I'm not upset, but my head is hot. Not really my head, but my insides.

But while I write this, I've started feeling a sudden calm. I don't want to be the person who keeps other from going on with their lives. We had a lot. But he was a jerk. He hasn't talked to me since I last saw him in January.

It's ok. I'm ok with it.

I have to be.

It's not that it's not hard. It's freaking difficult.

I think about the possibility of seeing him daily.

and it scares me.

it really scares me.

I think now, I'd be more ok with it than before. It's almost like with Daniel, I saw him move on with another girl because I wasn't good enough. I was cool, but I wasn't right there, right then. I wasn't it.

And it hurts.

It really hurts.

Ok, now that I think about it, tears are trying to come, not that I want to cry. I don't. But I also don't want to be numb to the situation. I want to be done with it.

Over.

Gone.

God, only YOU can help me through this.

My friends tease me about setting me up with this one guy, and he really is awesome, but I'm so not worthy of him, and I don't want my next relationship to be a rebound (which, by now, I really don't think it would be considering a vast number of things) and it'd never happen anyway... because that's just how my life goes.

But God, I just ask that you help pull me though this.

I can't do anything without you - but especially realize that living in Corvallis and continuing to go to school here is the best thing for me. Running away and leaving all the Adam-memories in Corvallis will do me no good.

Now the tears flow.

The memories.

But more than that. The LACK of them.

He never hung out with my friends, never came to my house, never took me places, never called me, rarely texted me, never started conversations, never took pictures with me. Hanging out with me almost must have been a chore for him. I must be a horrible person to hang out with.

What a freakin' jerk.

He never watched Elizabethtown with me. Because he never cared to watch movies that I liked.

The playlist is currently playing. e-town.

But it's mine.

Just like God is mine.

That's another thing that Adam never shared with me. My faith.

I was struck mad when he opened up and shared his faith with me. He said he was pagan. And he said it like it was something to be proud of. I couldn't believe it. It made me SO sad.

But I know God has someone out there who is better for me. Adam was nice, but he wasn't Mr Awesome. I'm not sitting around on my bum waiting for God to throw this guy at me, but I wish he would make it easier to move on after Adam.

It's so hard. So painful. I hate it.

But I just have to keep reminding myself that if I completely shut my heart off that nothing will penetrate it. Like that CS Lewis quote (see my fb profile).

Ah! I just want to scream.

More than that, I want to deck Adam in the face.

What an effing jerk.

He wasn't even man enough to tell me things were off. I realized a few weeks ago, when he'd said when we talked in the beginning of January that he though things were already figured out between us - he'd sent me a text. A TEXT.

how LOW is that?!?!?

*deep breath*

I wonder if anyone is awake... it's late, I don't want to bother anyone. I'm already short on sleep myself

I have a grad school interview tomorrow. I'm super nervous. Dan and Aimz helped me with an outfit. They're so awesome. I love them both to death.

But I'm so jolted now. i don't even know what to do or say or think. I'm shaking. Typing is difficult. My vision is completely blurred by tears.

That one image. I hate it. But it makes me happy in a weird way. He's moved on. he's found some other girl. Some girl who will throw herself at him in ways that's he's ok with. it's not me. and that makes me happy.

I knew months and months ago that it wasn't going to work out and that i didn't want to stay with it. Why did i? because i didn't want that temporary pain of ending it.

but so the frick what.

I should have long ago - and then the pain wouldn't have been NEARLY as bad as it is now.

I'm SO glad I'm not with him anymore. So glad. I can't even begin to say how happy and truly FREEing it's been to be away.

I really don't know how to describe it.

Being away isn't easy. And dealing with things like THIS, NOW is horrible. but who cares. I just need to stop it.

Knock it off Hannah! Grow up. Move on. Seek God. --> HE loves you more than ANYONE EVER CAN.

So, GOD HELP ME.

Make me strong.

Give me wisdom.

Help me get through this.

Help me remember the memories, but be able to think back on it as a necessary life experience and a mechanism for drawing me closer to YOU.

God, I can't do THIS with out YOU.