Such a range of emotions I'm in currently.
I'm kinda annoyed at Starbucks for infiltrating the world with their lies and bad coffee. My friend ordered a Macchiato today, but was it the normal grande size with flavoring added and that slight bitter taste? Nope. Just a shot of espresso and some milk. Much better than Starbucks, by far, no doubt, but still. What are they doing to our society by lying to us about coffee? What am I going to do when I want to go to Europe and order coffee and feel like a local, but no nothing besides American Starbucks. Stupid. Also? I went there today because I have a gift card and wanted to get out to study because (see above) I don't study well in the room unless it's one of those I-have-to-do-it-now-or-else assignments. So I got ready after class and walked there. Only a few blocks. I get there, and kinda frustratingly order something less expensive, but hopefully not a lie (like that caramel macchiato I like over ice during the warmer months that's not actually a macchiato, but a lie), and then I sit down with my "tall vanilla latte" to do my marketing plan for my Agricultural marketing class. Really dry, but not completely uninteresting. Anyway... does starbucks have free internet anymore? Yes, but you have to have a registered Starbucks giftcard. Check. Got my first one for Christmas (thank you sister! w00t), and promptly registered it. But did I remember the password? Nope. Where is it? Saved in an email draft. But could I get to this email while I was under locked internet access? Nope. Thank you Starbucks for wasting over half an hour of my day when I just end up back at the MU doing homework with a cold coffee. But on the positive side, it was nice to get out and walk around town, even if it was just two blocks into downtown, and then those in reverse, and then two blocks into campus where I'd already been today. *shrug* ah well.
I read my friend's blog. Her grandmother died last fall. A really difficult blow to her, I can see. I did not know her. I wish I had. I met her and "knew" her, if you want to say that. I went to her house on several occasions with my friends, and she was more than kind to me. I went to her memorial service as an effort to give strength to my friends, but also because I wished I knew this woman better, and because I was really selfish and missed my grandmother. I never had a friend to lean on when my grandparents died. I was even asked by my mother why I was crying after she died. I was just barely 13, what else was I supposed to do? I'm undoubtedly going to cry when my other relatives die in the future (not to be pessimistic, but merely realistic... I mean, you and I will die eventually). But I don't know, and I can't say that I've ever "gotten over it all" or fully "released my emotions" about it all because I had to suppress it so much. I mean, I know my sister and I had bouts of just going off upstairs, or down to the creek and crying. The creek was my escape. I would just run down there - almost like kids do in the movies.
Seeing my friend get married last March was really hard. Not only because I hadn't seen her in so long, practically grew up with her with dance, music, and homeschooling, and seeing her go on and do what I wanted to do, but not being completely certain about how happy she would be in her future life. Knowing it would be difficult for her, but craving it so much for myself. The beautiful dress, the setting, the look in his eyes when he watches her appear at the end of the aisle. And then there's the reception. The food, the beautiful gifts - the kitchen pans, the bedspread, the picture frames, the furniture for their apartment together, and then the dancing. The father-daughter dance, and then the grandfather-granddaughter dance. The last one, which I will never have. Ever. My grandparents will not be at my wedding. I won't get to dance with my Grampy, or see the smile on Grammy's face and the sparkle in her eyes when I say "I do" (whenever that will be....) and their warm embraces to of congratulations. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, summer picnics, Thanksgiving, pop concoctions in travel mugs, stories from Reno, the motorhome, the upstairs, the back bedroom, carpet in the bathroom, Saturday morning cartoons, figure skating on the tv, the blue car... Yes, many of these are still present and still there, but the memories attached to them now in the present don't represent what was, or the part that I miss about them the most. I mean, it's hard enough for me when I think about how I wish I could have been Jennifer Sauers and go back for lessons with Mrs McCormick, because she was such an amazing woman in my life. I can't tell her how I was counselor at YMA for so many years, was told I was the favorite counselor of my instrument by my all-time favorite conductor, given really high placed chairs in my college orchestra where we play with professionals and even sit in for concertmaster. I'm not even taking lessons - she would have made sure I was taking lessons. Because if I don't practice, I won't get better.
I read another friend's blog too... I'm generally behind on reading peoples blogs because I've been so busy with school and everything else in between. He wrote about his cat. The most hilarious thing ever. I realize at times I get on his case about being kind to his animals, but I can't help but laugh. I mean, who in their right mind would want a free gremlin? Ridiculous. I gave him serious crap about it, but after seeing it just now, just made my day. Thanks man.
I just realized today that the way I dressed I really didn't care about my appearance. I just dressed in what I wanted and for comfort. Which is how I usually do, well, sometimes minus the comfort part for the sake of looking "cute" or whatever. But still. I got this awesome sweater for $3 at Old Navy yesterday. Probably one of my best purchases in awhile. I am officially in love. So comfortable. Anyway, I decided to wear it today - and honestly, it could almost have a vintage look to it. It's huge stripes of cream, navy, gray and a goldish yellow color. Combine that with a pair of dark-wash jeans, knock-off converse slip-ons, and some old earrings of Grammy's (I love her so much, and it makes me happy whenever I wear her jewelry because it reminds me of her, and I wonder what she was doing in her life at my age, because, let's face it, she wasn't always the all-knowing grandmother who I knew her. She was once young, beautiful, and made mistakes in her life... it kinda brings me down to earth in the fact that she wasn't holier-than-thou at all, as I had always imagined her). Wearing my hair down with my recently cut bangs down and just to the side of my face... makes me kinda think I might look like something out of the 70s. Without even realizing it at all. Some girls might spend forever planning such an ensemble. Me? I honestly just wanted to wear my new jeans and was too lazy to change out of the sweater I'd put on first thing out of bed, and my converse need to be washed, thanks to my idea of running through a field that was more like a swamp the other day.
I still haven't worked on my Marketing Plan yet. Stupid. I'm such a procrastinator.
I read yet another friend's blog today. She posted something about being the youngest in her family. I can totally relate to this as I am also the youngest in my family, not just being younger than my only older sister, but my parents are also oldest children. Oh how this makes me think of mom's book "The Birth Order Connection" about finding your soul mate through birth order... which may be true in some senses, but for sure not all. Anyway, I know what she means. I'm not exactly the same, but yeah... I would try to bring it up as an excuse a few years ago for no one being able to relate to me. And my mom just brushed it off as BS, which, I suppose it kinda is, but you could also go so far as to say she just couldn't relate. It's hard. Really hard. I've had everything done for me for so long that it's really hard to pull myself together and actually just do things for myself. But since I have been lately, and more since in college, and the most I have ever this year with mom being in nursing school, and wanting independence from mom in general. I won't say it hasn't been a challenge, because it has, but at the same time, I really like it. It's something I've never had before in my life. Deciding "it's ok to study outside my room" or "it's ok to go for a run today" or something more complex like: "it's ok to go to CAPS for counseling" or "it's good to go to a college youth group and get involved in a small group with it."
I just realized I was thinking about rushing home without having completed my homework for dinner, when I really could just continue with homework for awhile longer, and either search for food when I get home, or get something here at the MU. I don't really have the money to be eating out, but I can get something on occasion. If I did that, I wouldn't have to go home til after 6, because I can actually skip the house meeting and then just rush back to campus for orchestra at 7.
*sigh* Yup. haven't worked on that homework yet. Hoping it won't take me too long. *keeps fingers crossed*
I signed up and went to a small group this last week. It was really a challenge for me to put myself forward and sign up for one - and then actually GO. But I did. I went. It was weird at first but super casual and we just ate and played a card game to get to know each other some. It's really interesting how God has really put Himself into my life. I was SoooooOOOOoo far away from Him for so long. Even when I said and lived like a "good christian" even last fall... it was a facade. Well, not fully, because I knew I WANTED it, but I was so trapped, so ensnared by other things that I just couldn't get away from. I wouldn't get away from. I wanted... I thought. I just read a fb message I got from my small group leader saying how we should bring a memory verse that the Lord has put on our hearts to share, and that she is praying for each of us. At this point the tears came. I realized when I went to CAPS this week (thanks to the knowledgeable words that they know) that I am someone who usually tries to help others, go out of my way to make someone's day, but never asks for help myself because I think it's weakness, and don't want to pressure or stress others with my life and my problems. Maybe I'm not always like this, but I know it's a big thing that I struggle with internally. Just the fact that someone is praying for me like that means so much. I mean, I know I've told people I would pray for them, and I'm not going to be a hypocrite here: I would often just say it to be nice, and forget I had said anything because I don't pray like I should, or like I want to. At least I didn't... I still don't really. I am still trapped by things in the world, but I am pushing, pushing to break free. It's hard. Especially when you know that if you told people they would probably lose most if not all respect for you. <-- even by saying something like that. But you know that it's the best if you get it out of your system and out in the open...confess it.
I was wondering for so long why I hadn't heard back from Adam after emailing him, but then I had a thought a few days ago - maybe God knows that I'm not ready to hear from him yet. Because if I did hear from him I might get upset, or envious, or frustrated... or just generally confused and all my past emotions might surface, which is just something I do not need right now. I have also realized within the last few days that before I was totally leaving the door open not only a crack, but a almost completely open. I was allowing myself to remain open to that trap... something that has now come to it's end. I was also leaving that door open because I was hopeful of maybe getting back together with him, but I think I realize now, that although I pray for him - and pray hard. I don't know that I've ever prayed so earnestly for someone before. With the exception of my completely confused black-and-white prayers about Buddy, so many years ago. But even though I pray for him, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. He's not my Mr Awesome. He might be a Mr Good, but he's not Mr Best, and definitely not Mr Awesome. Maybe things will change? Who knows what the future holds. Only God has that. But God knew that if I was allowed into this test - a test that I failed, but a test that I would be able to go back to my Instructor's office and fix the mistakes and try to repair my grade (metaphor people...). He knew that if He put me through this that I would only come out a stronger person, and seek Him more than I ever have in my life. Not because I think it's "right" or "good" or to be a better person, no. And also not because I didn't have anything else, no. But simply because I WANT to seek Him.
I could compare it to the time when Buddy got cancer and was nearing death. He was something I loved - or thought I loved - so much, and wanted to do everything with him. I joked around about him being my boyfriend, but at times I seriously think I viewed that dog as such. not to get all weird about it, because that's not my point, but in the sense of how highly I viewed him, and the things I wanted to do with him, even though I abused him. And where I viewed my future going with him as I grew older. And when he was nearing death how much I prayed that God would let me keep him, or just take him away from me. I didn't know what was better. But I knew I wanted Buddy. I couldn't imagine life without him. But God knew I would manage. He took Buddy from me, not because He thought I was weak or strong, but because He knew that if He removed Buddy from my life that I would seek HIM more.
I might also compare it to the first time I played Halo. I hated it at first because it scared me. I was afraid of being judged for sucking at something so simple - even when I played on "easy." But I figured that if I kept at it, I might start liking it. I did. I got better, and I do like it now. I don't like it more than hanging with friends or with the desire to finish it right away, because I don't. It's simply a hobby. But when I compared it to reading the Bible, I realized what was going on. I didn't like reading God's word, or getting intimate with Him because I didn't KNOW him, and I wasn't willing to spend the time to allow myself to even try to like it. I didn't even know HOW to like it, or where to even begin.
I spent so much of my life hating doctrine and hating the church and getting critical about specifics and tiny stupid things about the way people light candles or what they wear to church, if they read the bible or the bulletin, or if they sing with an organ, a rock band, or a cappella. All I would hear in church was "don't do this" "don't live the good life because it's not worth it" (how if it's not worth it, is it called "good?") don't. don't. don't. Combined with all the "thou shalt not's" of the Old Testament. That's all I got. I heard the Jesus, and the love, but the don'ts were more prominent in my life.
I hated the "Jesus worshippers" and the ones who prayed all the time and read their bibles like good christians. I didn't care. I didn't want to be a part of it. But I kept up the facade of being a part of some of it so that no one would judge me for being wrong and living like the world. Well, guess what, peoples? I have lived the life of the world. It's nothing new. Not even within the last year. It's been a long time. A very long time. I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't, with the exception of the short periods of time when I tried to live without the world and failed by returning within a few weeks. And I hate admitting it. It's been worse in the last few years? maybe? I'm not sure what exactly of my life you can call worse than another, but it's definitely what they talk about when you go there, you can't go back. Just one thing after another. They talk about men being very tempted by sin and the world and the internet and other things, but they are more than certainly not the only ones. I know from my own life.
You simply have to completely change your life around to get your real life back - if you even had one to begin with. I wonder at times if this pull of myself towards these things relates to my ex-dad and things I remember, but not, but try not to, but realize when I don't think about it, it really is all true and probably the strong start and source of a lot of my problems in life, especially in this regard... ... ...
I used to wish I hadn't been brought up in the "good christian home" like I was, because it seemed so much like those who hadn't had such a better relationship with God, and I was jealous of it. I wanted what they had. In fact, I even hated them for it. All I had was endless amounts of and years built on years of hate and jealousy and frustration. I hated church. I hated reading the Bible. I hated worship songs, but I would listen to them for the facade. I hated praying - especially out loud. I hated people who went to church regularly - church is boring, the songs are lame and either too recent and with improper doctrines and improper translations, more like funeral durges, or with the with the wrong kind of music backing it up. I hated people who "loved Jesus with all of their hearts" because, seriously, how can you do that? I wanted to marry someone who loved Jesus more than he loved me, but at the same time, I'm a really jealous person and how can I bare with the idea of my husband loving someone more than me, and getting intimate with someone other than me (ok, not in physical ways... but still).
I hated my friends for going on mission trips and coming back saying how amazing God is... who cares. I hated everything for so long that I was really interested in what they had done, and overly jealous for their travels. I would tell people about my friends and ask them to pray for them while they were away. I would even help support them, not because I really wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do, and I didn't really know what else to do, and I couldn't really support them in any other way. And then I would get bitter upon their return because they weren't the same, and it was kinda like it was a song I didn't know the words to, or a club I wasn't invited to, or wasn't passionate enough about joining so I missed out on getting that free t-shirt (even though my sister did bring me home a shirt that one time), but still... I kinda almost just wanted to go to the ship Logos Hope JUST to get the nametag, and the shirt, or whatever. Just to be a part of something. Something I wanted to be a part of, but didn't know how, and didn't really want to dedicate myself to.
I never really saw myself as much of anything. As a youngest child, I just wanted to get away from my parents, and honestly, one of my most lasting and deepest impression of a memory of something I wanted when I was "grown up" was to go to Fred Meyer in The Dalles, and just buy myself a Snickers bar. Thats it. I guess I kinda wanted to have a farm with horses, but I never really - REALLY - realized all the work that's involved in farming and the care and expense of horses. I only wanted to be a veterinarian because people said they thought I wouldn't make it. I just wanted to prove everyone wrong. And then go back and rub it in their faces. I wanted to get married and rub it in my mom's face how a relationship CAN work without divorce. I wanted to have a perfectly trained dog, I wanted to get perfect grades, I wanted to stay thin to prove mom wrong that I wouldn't have a life-long problem with my weight. I wanted to prove that so many things that I would eventually forget why I was dedicating my life to these ideals so much. When in reality they weren't really things that I really Really REALLY wanted. I didn't want to be a vet. I liked working at the animal hospital, but I didn't want to be the one doing all the paperwork and phone calls, and talking politics and money with clients, or giving the lethal injections to various animals. I just liked helping. Maybe it's because it was a different environment. I wonder if those people I worked with and watched for so many years know how much of a role model they have been for me. An escape from the pain and hate of home and church. I could be whoever I wanted to be. It didn't matter. They didn't really know me that much, but they would encourage me in everything. No matter what it was. I'll be straight up honest and admit that if I ever do get a boyfriend who wants to marry and I him, he's going to not only have to talk to my dad, but DrTom from Tucker Road.
Aw, crap, it's almost 6. I have orchestra in an hour... well, less than, because I have to get my violin, and walk back to Benton before then because I have to warm up and all that... ulgh, and I was going to re-tape my orchestra music... well, if that doesn't happen, well, it won't really be the end of the world.
But anyway, I didn't want to be anything, I didn't have a plan. My sister would tell me all about her dream houses, and names for babies, and what she wanted to do with her life - me? I had nothing. I would just make up the dream house, and the names... I mean, I like weird names. Some favorites include: Loryn, Zyaer, Keagan, Rinnah, Kendrick, Brand, Cyris, Caedyn, and Rayne... why? I don't really know, maybe because of how unconventional they are, and plus, all the other names are taken by either my friend, or my cousins' themselves, or their kids. I'm only sorta good at a lot of things in life... violin, taste in music, ballet, modern, dance in general, gymnastics, singing, style, hair-fixing ideas, driving, school... but I don't want to put in that extra push of effort to be REALLY good at them. I often wonder why I'm not a music major. Probably the combination of that I was told it's pointless, it doesn't make money, and I don't like theory so much to actually learn it, but at the same time, I wish I knew it better than I do. Same with languages. I've realized that I find foreign languages really easy to figure out. Crazy and awesome realization. I'm not even that good with English, but anyway. On that note, I wish I knew a language fluently - at least one. But no. I only know spanish medeocerly (sp?).
So where does this put me in this post? closer to needing to leave. Yes, that, but also the idea and fact that my relationship with God has gotten to amazing levels recently. Places I've never been before in my life. Places I never thought existed. It's at levels I've never been at. Levels... ha as if having a relationship with God is like Halo or Treasure Math Storm. But I mean that in the sense that I want to go to church. I WANT TO. I can't wait until I can go again. I'm so STOKED for church. I'm PUMPED for Real Life, I'm really upset that I don't have anywhere to get real with God on Monday. Calvary on Sunday, personal study on Monday, Real Life on Tuesday, Small Group Wednesday, Varsity House Worship Thursday, Antioch Worship Friday (ok, I have yet to go, but I'm honestly really excited to start going), and then maybe I can go to Solid Rock: Downtown Saturdays? Hopefully for sure this week!!! I've never been so excited about something like this before... a movie, or a soundtrack, yeah, but never excited about God. I don't really even know how to put it in words. I've been getting into the Bible a lot, and I like it a lot more the more time I've spent reading it. I'm doing Solid Rocks' "read the Bible in a year" program, but I haven't been perfect, I haven't kept up every day, but I'm working on catching up. I love it. I love how my little NIV Bible is getting written in, highlighted and -- loved. Instead of being ignored and dusty on my shelf. Just another part of my facade. But no, now it's part of my life. I try not to let other people think I'm living a facade by going around and being that "Jesus worshiper" that I hated so much not even that long ago by reading my bible downstairs or getting into it all the time in my room. But seriously? I love it! I can't get enough of it. I don't even really know what's brought this on. Well, I guess just the culmination of everything. I've never ever been excited about church or worship or reading the Bible. Ever. I mean, I hated catechism classes with Pastor, and I hated those Bible studies we did with mom at the dining room table. Although it was fun drawing the "Kora incident" (heh). But other than that I really despised those times. It was boring, long, and annoying. I had to sit still, behave, and be "normal" - whatever that means. Even recently, although I have liked going to church and worship, I would find myself not singing, but watching the band and wondering about all the stuff that goes into the tech crew and the lights and the music playing, and what chord this is, and rolling my eyes at those "Jesus worshippers" who had their hands in the air. Even now, I'm not super into that, but I'm not afraid to put my hands in the air. Yeah, so I grew up Lutheran, and we don't do that - but that doesn't mean we can't!!! I try not to look at the band anymore or judge people - I would tell people so many times I wouldn't judge them, and often it was just to get myself to stop. But at the same time, I would look around at church or worship, and not actually get the relevance of the message. I started taking notes. I hated people who did this for so long, and I didn't understand why. But anymore, it keeps me awake and present to the message, and I LOVE going back and reading them later. I had become welcome to messages, and I liked it, but I was still so bitter and closed off to actually listening. Yes, I would hear. But I wouldn't listen. I didn't want to hear that. It wasn't what I wanted to hear - even if I knew it was right and true. It was hard to take, and I would try to ignore it, but if I took notes, I couldn't help but see it in my book later. I wrote that. I heard that. I paid attention to that - or did I? Why did I continue in that life? How was I able to keep that life hidden from everyone for so long? Why did I keep it hidden - oh yeah, because it's "bad" and not the life I'm supposed to be following as this "good christian that I am" or at least kept up the facade of pretending that I was.
Even this blog post is eye opening to me.
I should close, even though I could write another novel... Orchestra starts in half an hour. I would include an image with this post, but I don't know what I would use.
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