So, I was super down and depressed, and I can still get that way at times, and I'm still super tired and super stressed, but for some reason there is a sense of PEACE. And I have no idea why...
Actually, I take that back. I know EXACTLY why.
My faith was rocky and really bad... not just bad it was downright awful. It wasn't just that I wasn't going to church, I was super hypocritical of everything. I still "believed and was baptized" but continuously pushed it aside. I didn't care. My bible was shoved on a top shelf continuously gaining an ever thickening layer of dust. My worship and even non-explicit music went mostly untouched. I didn't want to go to church - I despised it, and judged the people who did as being "those annoying Jesus worshipers." I didn't care. I was sarcastic. I was stressed, short on sleep, backed up on homework. I was sick, and with the combination of stress and illness and lack of sleep I wasn't hungry - and when I wasn't hungry, I wouldn't eat, or I would forget. Not because I didn't want to, not because I have an eating disorder or want to lose weight, I just couldn't make myself. I've lost over 15 pounds since being at OSU this term. My clothes don't fit me right... my jeans only fit right after washing and drying throughly, and don't fit after wearing more than twice.
I knew, and have known for a very long time that all it will take is my surrender. But I didn't want to give it. I didn't want to go through that emotional rebound that goes with it. I craved and yearned for the freedom but was unwilling. I was jealous of people with that peace - that freedom. But I didn't want to give it to myself. I was - or at least I thought I was - alright and happy and fine without it. I could manage. Nothing bad was going to happen to me (right?).
I went to, but slept through Dox a few weeks ago. I went to Varsity Worship almost every week to keep up the facade that I still really cared, when I really didn't.
I almost started going to Real Life at the start of term, but I didn't. I really wanted to go on the Real Life retreat because I knew it would pull me back to the faith and back on my feet - I'd fallen so far and kept going down. But I didn't go. Jill went and had an amazing time. I was jealous. I hated her happiness and all of the amazing people she met. I went to Real Life with Jill this week. I was upset the entire time. It was boring, too long, the projector didn't work, I didn't know anyone, the speaker wasn't scientifically or statistically accurate in his talk, I was cold, I was tired, I was falling asleep, I forgot my bible, I forgot my journal, boys were being flirtatious, boys were being jerks to my friends, I looked at these "good Christian young men" with eyes of mocking as I hated them for their faith. I didn't trust them. Was it real, or was it just a facade to get these good Christian girls to like them. Was it all just a game to "find a good wife?" IMO there's so much more to a relationship than just faith - Don't get me wrong, faith and God is SUPER important, but if all you have is "oh, he's this awesome Christian" but....what else? is that all that matters then? If you find a "Good Christian" is that all? Does that automatically make them your "soul mate?" I don't think so. anyway... The. List. Goes. On.
I knew I needed this surrender. This confession. But I was unwilling. I didn't want to show it. I didn't want to know it. I knew it, I was aware, but I didn't want to admit to it. I didn't want others to know about it, and even when I did open up to a few people, I was still super unwilling to surrender.
After Real Life I went with Jenny and Jill and a few other girls from Real Life to Qudoba. I didn't get anything, and I almost didn't want to be there at all. We then went back to Jenny's apartment and watched Step Brothers. I didn't really want to go, but I knew it was right and good for me to get away, and be around people - not allow myself to be left alone with my own thoughts.
After the movie we took Jordan home, and then I took Jill home. It was late. After midnight. I wanted to go to bed much earlier. But I had stayed up to keep myself around people.
When I got back to my room, I knew what I needed should not wait any longer. I didn't want to. I was very reluctant. VERY reluctant. Thinking myself hypocritical, and that it wouldn't really help anything. I didn't want to stay up any later either. I wanted to go to bed. If nothing else, I forced myself. Part of me wonders if it wasn't me who did the forcing - I dunno, its hard to say.
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