I got up super early to study for my midterm this morning.
I still wish Adam would talk to me - last I knew, we were STILL FRIENDS and friend freaking talk. But all the same, I'm swamped and drowning in school and everything related and don't need the distraction of the possible emotions that would bring up. But seriously. If you get an email from a friend and it's signed "hope to hear from you soon" would you just ignore it?!?!? *sigh* I admit I'm still friends with a lot of people I don't talk to very often, if at all - even people that I live with. So whatever. It's just hard when we used to talk a lot and hang out a lot and now we don't talk at all. At the same time I'm done putting myself out there. If he wants to talk to me, I'll be here, and I'll talk to him, and do so gladly. Otherwise, I'm going to wait to hear from him, or at least wait to contact him again for a few weeks about my orchestra concert and ask him if he's still interested in going and using the voucher I'll get - because he really seemed interested in coming the last time we talked/hung out (and I know for a fact that he has the day off work). I have no idea what I'm doing for spring break, but whatever it is, I'll have to do something with Konrad, and if I'm going home, I'd so rather not take him all the way to Hood River. Not to say that I'd put him in Adam's care again, but he's a friend, and he took care of Konrad before, so... idk.
I guess you could say it's also part of waiting, depending on, and giving our stresses to and trusting COMPLETELY on God. I would not be able to not freak out about all this, or stress, or whatever with out Him.
I had a midterm this morning that I actually feel fairly confident about. But I'm really tired and so not looking forward to my lab that I need to leave for in 20 minutes. Engines. It's kinda confusing, and I hate my lab partner because he's stupid (not like, just to say that either... he can't figure anything out. i feel bad for saying that, but what else is there? he just lacks smarts!), and it's awkward. And long. Did I mention long? 2-5. I hate long classes - especially labs - especially long labs in the afternoon. But what can I do? It's pointless to skip and ...yeah, that's just dumb, why would I do that?
I had to leave a class early today to get to my midterm. I missed pretty much the entire lecture because he talked about the previous guest speaker and then did an in-class "field trip" is what he called it. So now I have to get the notes... from another student? from my prof? idk...
Small group was really good last night. I don't know that I really knew what to expect? idk... we talked about our weeks, and then we shared some memory verses and talked about Real Life and the message this week, then we thought of our personal prayer requests, and then shared them with each other, and then prayed for each other. I'm really bad with prayer. It's weird to accept something so unconditional from other people. And it's really like stumbling for me to pray out loud. But it was really good all the same. Really good.
I still have yet to run and shower today. Hopefully I'll get that in later I guess.
Everything is a struggle today. I have to keep fresh and real and constant with God all the time. It's like how John Mark from The Way said that prayer needs to be something we are chomping at the bit to do, or like an itch at the back of our throat - well, my itch is that at every moment there is something tempting me, pulling me back to that life that I used to fumble through. And I have to fight against it constantly to stay in the right and not be sucked back in. It is so freaking hard.
But I know I don't want that. I don't want to be a part of it. I'm done. It's time for new and better things.
No comments:
Post a Comment