terrified

It's funny. On the one hand I'm totally unafraid of going head-on into a relationship right now. But all the same, I'm still terrified out of my mind. Afraid of past things that will come up too soon, afraid of being myself, afraid of keeping God #1 in the relationship, afraid that I won't be able to keep my cool in regards to being physical, and mostly, right now, I'm afraid of distance.

Dr Tom said something really true that really stuck with me: If it happens, you'll find time and you'll make a way and it will be possible.

I've been really afraid of something starting up, because I feel like something ALWAYS seems to start up at the end of the school year. Not sure why it always happens that way, but it just seems to. But this summer will be different. I'm finishing my undergrad. I'm moving to Iowa for the duration of the summer. No going back to HR, no going to camp for 2 weeks, no returning to school for connect week. Nope. I'll be completely gone for 10 weeks immediately after graduation, then I'll be at the state fair for the weekend, then student teaching in HR for three weeks, then back in the CVL just in time to start up with fall term. But at the same time, as of right now it's not appearing as if anything will become of anything. But seriously. anything can happen in a matter of hours or days. Relationships are super weird like that. <--- and I really don't think I'll ever understand that part of it.

I'm afraid to start something here in Corvallis because I'm only going to be here for another two weeks, and I won't be back for sure until the end of September. And even then I'll probably only be in town until next June -- unless I get work, or something. I don't really know where I'll be after next June. Hopefully I won't be moving back home. No one wants that to happen.

But I'm also afraid of starting a relationship, were it to come up, while I'm in Iowa. Because well, let's face it. I'll be there for 10 weeks this summer: Anything can potentially happen while I'm there. But I'll only be there for the summer. I'll be back in Oregon by the end of August. If something starts, I won't want to leave. But I'll have no choice because I  have to go to grad school. I doubt I'll be returning to Iowa. Not saying that for sure now, because things can change...

So much of my life right now is built on careful planning. I feel like if I change anything, just like when I changed to go to Iowa instead of taking summer classes at OSU, I'm changing the world. Relationships and anything else change the world. I'm so unsure what to do with these situations anymore.

All the same, I'm starting to feel completely trapped. What's next? I have no idea. I really just have to focus on the present, but it's starting to really scare me. I'm afraid of being stuck - stuck forever in something I don't want.

Will I ever be able to go off and be crazy again? Will I ever be able to do things I've dreamed of doing? Will I ever be able to just go off and do random things I've decided to do on the spur of the moment without hell-of-life to pay?

This is my last year of undergrad. I won't have this year again. Ever. Why am I allowing myself to be so stressed? Why am I not focusing on my school? Why am I not going out and having fun adventures with my friends? Why am I not working?

It's all coming to an end and I'm scared to death and terrified out of my mind.

but all the same, really excited for what the future holds ---- whatever that is.