#1 or nothing

I realized yesterday what my problem was.

I knew that the next time I crossed paths with Adam, no matter when. Today, tomorrow, two years from now... we live in the same town. It's not a very large one. The odds are in favor of us crossing paths again. But I knew that I would do one of three things:

1) Ignore him entirely
2) Be overly cheerful to see him and sorry he hasn't talked to me, but ignoring that and asking questions and being generally happy to see him
3) Say hi, but manage to turn the conversation around and rant and vent about how pissed I am and how he never respected me and was never man enough to do anything <-- most likely response

And that was it. I was still really upset about things and thought about them daily. I would go through probable conversations in my head and tearfully trudge on with my day.

It's been over a month. Why are things no different? I'd been praying about it every day that God would give me the words to speak, that He would give me wisdom to know what to do.

I still haven't seen Adam, but the possibility is still out there.

However, I realized something yesterday. With all my forgiveness rants, I'd never put it in terms with Adam in my mind.
Never. Not once.

It occurred to me when I was listening to a podcast from Solid Rock. Phil Comer said: "Forgive, don't harbor bitterness."

It was like a baseball to the face.

I'd been harboring bitterness. With all my past mostly(yet really not)relationships, I'd always managed to see through things by forgiving them right off the bat. But I wasn't able to do that with Adam. I was too bitter. Too angry about how everything had gone down. I felt stupid, I regretted things, and I hated myself for it all - but more than that, I hate him for it.

I sometimes run into his stuff on facebook. I used to get really angry, jealous, and have a bad adrenaline rush. Not a good one, but a bad one that makes me writhe and scream on the inside. But after I realized I had simply not forgiven him and that I needed to. I needed to make that a priority. Maybe it's what God was telling me to do the whole time. Maybe He was waiting for that realization to hit. Whatever the reason, when I've seen Adam's information on facebook since then, I no longer get that awful adrenaline rush. It's astonishing, really. Yes, there is some sadness, but mostly in that we are hardly even friends any more. Which could be said for a number of my relationships with people from Belhaven or YMA. For the most part, I'm indifferent in the sense that there is no overly negative emotion, yet also no elation. Contentment, perhaps. Mostly in the realization that I'm able to move on, and I know it's only been possible through God.

Has my faith and relationship with God gotten better post-Adam? Yes. Is that because of him? No. I think in things relating to all of what went down with Adam did I realize more about myself as a person and where and how much I was lacking God in my life. But I am not pursuing God because there is a lack of Adam. Heck no. It's more of that realization that yes, relationships are good and awesome, but they need to be in Gods eyes, and God can't be fighting for you're #1 priority in your life. He has to be #1 or He is nothing.

How can I think that I cannot forgive? Am I more important than Jesus that I can't forgive? I've done horrible things, yet I'm forgiven.