....what now

I just wanted to talk to someone. But no one is answering their phones. And I'm not one to just pick up the phone and call people. That's not my thing. I just don't do that. At all. Ever. ...No one is online. No one is in the house who I want to talk to. I just want to talk to someone. Anyone. I don't know whether to freak out or not and the indecision is driving me mad. I don't know what to do with myself.

My financial aid for next year is nothing compared to what it was this year. Near 15,000 in loans. But I can't do that. Get an email from mom saying how it's probably not going to be possible for me to come back next year. Wow. Curve ball that I wasn't expecting at all. I thought 'yeah, lotsa loans, suck.' but had zero idea it might mean that i may not be able to come back.

I finally find my happy place. Yes, I may not have a job, but I am getting good grades. I don't have the best good friends that I have had in the past, but they are good friends. Finally I find a sense of community and a feeling of belonging, and God rips me out of it. And it's not like I have a lot of school left. I'm down to the last year. One year. One. I realize that changing my major this late is crazy in of itself. But not being able to finish? When I'm this close? That kills. I suppose I could look into taking a term off, but what good will that do me? Earn a little bit more so that I don't have quite so many loans... but it won't do a whole lot in that way. I can't even run away from it by joining the Peace Corps because you need a bachelors for that, and still money. Same with traveling. I'm screwed. I can't even move out of Odell. Because I don't have the funds. fml.

Thanks to our government this year (*ahemcoughobamaahemcough*) our family isn't eligible for the financial aid that I was able to get this last year. Awesome.

I had never even thought about this being an issue. Yeah, sure, I knew about those students who their parents helped them pay by just paying for their education, but like, I wasn't one of them. I know that I will have to pay back for my entire education some day. But I never ever thought I wouldn't be able to go to college -- much less finish with only one year to go -- because of a lack of money.

What do I do? Where do I go? I know people always talk about trying to figure out their lives after college, and trying to decide on their majors before college, but I can't even FINISH. Not because I don't want to, but because I am unable to. I'm still trying to figure out my major. But that's kinda hard/impossible to do when I'm not even able to go.